Quote of the Week

Do not remove a fly from your friend's forehead with a hatchet.

Chinese Proverb

Ben

Ben is scheduled to get tubes put in and his adenoids pulled out next Tuesday. When they looked in his ears today he, surprise surprise, still had an ear infection. He has been on antibiotics straight and hasn't seen a month go by in his short life without ear pain. He is quite the trooper and I am thankful that he might have a reprieve coming soon. Joshy saw improvement when he had his, so I hope Ben sees the same. I have no reason to think he won't. While we were in the office, me holding Ben in the chair and Joshy and John on the side, the doc was rambling through the explanation of this and that. The entire time he is having to talk over the sound of Joshy going one....two...three...and then ramming into Ben at which Ben starts cracking up. He had just been crying so I didn't want to stop the fun but I could barely hear the doctor over the laughing and counting. I suppose it is a good thing that he spends a lot of time around kids. While checking out, the ladies at the desk were smiling because Joshy started jumping up and down when he found a transformer sticker in the bucket. He gets so excited over the littlest thing and that in turn brings so much joy to others. Oh but no worries, he offsets said joy with his bone grating loudness. Still, loud or no, no one can make Ben smile quite like him.

Wikipedia said it was true...

Last night I meandered into the dining room and happened to glance over where John was working on the computer and noticed that homeboy was editing Wikipedia. Not in the helpful way, in the "Look, I just posted that international despots get their power through magic crystals" way. Do you know how many times I have used Wikipedia to prove arguments, gain info, tell me the Cyndi Lauper song that made it highest on the chart? John Nathan has single handedly cast a shadow of doubt on all my Wikipedia knowledge. I feel so jaded. On the upside, now that it has dawned on me that you can just post crap, you all can expect to see some of your names show up on the most interesting of places...

PS - Apparently the Canadian flag is there because there is a Canadian team in the NBA. Good thing we represent them with the flying of their flag. Don't want to anger Canada. Disrespect their team today, mounties holding our cities hostage tomorrow...

I have found my calling!!

There has only been one episode of this show, but I am already smitten. The idea of discovering the truth through the ability to interpret the smallest of microexpressions is completely fascinating. This feeds on my lifelong desire to be a spy, hanging from ceilings in black pantsuits, hiding in bushes with foliage on my head. In the show they state that a very small percent of the population can read people without formal training and I have to say, I am pretty sure they were referring to me. So, if you don't hear from me in awhile, you can just assume I've been recruited by the FBI.

Walking with the Dinosaurs

Our Saturday began at 9:30 as Tina pulled into our driveway, 15 minutes late according to the time we gave her, on time according to the time we needed her there. This is the point at which I would poke fun at her if I didn't suffer from the same tendency. First stop was to drop Benjamin off at the house of my friend who had graciously offered to watch him. (Thanks Lori!) The diaper bag was brimming with everything we thought that she could possibly need and Ben was more than happy to have a playmate fully devoted to him. Next stop, Walking with the Dinosaurs. Well, after parking that is. The line into the parking garage went the length of the block and it didn't make sense why it was taking so long to move the line along. As we pulled up to the booth, we paid the 6 dollar fee by way of a ten. We then watched in amazement as the lady proceeded to take at least a minute thirty to count out the change. I actually watched her mouth one...lay the bill down...stare...and repeat. Suddenly the line was no longer a mystery.

I have anticipated the Walking with the Dinosaurs show since I first saw the contraband clips on YouTube. Actually being at the show put those clips to shame. The animatronics on display are breathtaking. You can easily detach with the knowledge that there are men controlling the beast. As you walk through the several periods of time, when the land was lush the plants appeared and when the climate changed, they withered away. In the very first scene, you see an egg hatch and said hatchling become a meat-eaters prey. As soon as I realized what happened, I threw my glance at Joshy to verify he was handling it okay. He has watched a thousand dinosaurs fight but never so life like and never involving the raiding of eggs. It was incredibly fun to watch him react to the show and quite amusing to hear him loudly voice questions along the way. First comes the question and then the follow up "Why?" Never have I before uttered "Let's wait and see" so many times. It felt like a mere twenty minutes when we reached intermission but my stomach was thankful for the reprieve. Joshy consented to sharing a pretzel pre-pretzel only to change his mind when the goods arrived. I shouldn't have been surprised. He is a notoriously bad pretzel sharer. The finale of the day was, of course, the tyrannosaurus rex. He was loud and intimidating and they were wise to place a live actor in the show to truly make you appreciate the creature's size. As the show wound to a close and quiet settled as people decided if it was indeed the end, I hear a loud "WOOOOOO" and see my son sitting with his hands straight up in the air. It was incredibly endearing and I joined with with a celebratory clap. The lights were soon up and we were on our way home. On that way home, headed down the stairs, Joshy got the idea to just fall straight forward. Never in a million years would I have trusted myself that much. Caught off guard it took me down a step as I tightened my grip and there is Joshy with his feet on the same step as mine and his head horizontal to his feet, just looking at the ground. Sometimes I just wonder what that little boy is thinking.

(Joshy's camera work)

One thing we did notice as we were standing up to leave is that there was a Canadian flag hanging in the arena. At first we said, "Hockey" but then realized that it still doesn't explain Canada. So apparently there is some kind of affiliation I am missing between our northern neighbor and this midwestern state. Interesting.

As a mere by the by, on the way home we saw the most insane car that I have ever seen. It was half maroon and half orange, OSU Cowboys on one door, OU Sooners on the other. We laughed, snapped a picture and wrote off the idiot who thought that was cool. Later that night we were driving to Jess's house for dinner and you will never believe what car pulls onto the freeway. The moronic half and half from earlier that day! The chances of that must certainly be remote but then again, if I saw a repeat Honda Civic, it might not register like this particular vehicle did. I was actually thinking of that exact same paint job for the Ford but this guy totally stole my thunder...

What is ice cream again...

(Notice the chocolate ice cream around his mouth, for those of you who told me to give that boy ice cream)

Ice cream before dinner?

Joshy's new kick is The Upside Down show. The two guys who star in the show are actually very talented at, well, I guess you would call it mime. Now I have had my fair share of experience with being stuck in the box and pulling the imaginary rope but they pretty much put me to shame. And by pretty much I mean completely. Almost everything they do is imaginary and perfect for Joshy who doesn't miss a beat. In one of their episodes they are searching for the ice cream truck so the entire episode is talking about how wonderful ice cream is and how badly they want to find it. Fast forward to last night and Joshy asking if he could have ice cream before dinner. I, of course, told him no and he turns to me and says "but it is delicious, delectable and deliiiiiightful" and pulls up one side of his mouth in a crooked smile. I couldn't prevent the amused laugh that escaped me as I just grabbed him in a bear hug. What a goober.

Fitness Mania...

More like Fitness I want you to die-ia. In order to give people a chance to sample several of the classes offered, my gym put together a 3 hour, 5 session, day of classes with each half hour offering several class choices throughout the gym. Having scouted my five before hand (and somehow convinced that this would be fun) I head into Pilates, something I have always wondered about but never tried. I have done yoga classes and I figured that they were in the same family, so it couldn't be that hard. Yeah, it was that hard. I had anticipated the day being those less familiar with the workout scene, coming to a non-stressful trial run of the different programs. Not a full on Pilates class amongst people who have clearly done this before with no extraneous body fat to be seen. If Pilates is in the Yoga family, then it is the 200 pound older brother with a penchant towards body slams and noogies. We get in position facing the mirror, oh I hate the mirror, and start on our backs. As we inhale and press our abdominal muscles toward our spine, I am thinking I can do this. Five minutes in they are wanting me, the girl who hasn't trained her muscles since 8th grade gym, to do real push ups and I've changed my mind. As soon as my elbows unlock I am beelining towards the floor. There is no stopping this train and the inevitable thud. Awesome time to be in the front. With sit ups, everyone else seemingly trucks along to the beat while I am visibly shaking, trying to make it up without my feet flying off the floor. My attempt at the V hold was laughable and I am still undecided whether I liked the roll ups or the resulting wedgie least. Okay, so out of shape. Check.

.

My second choice of the day was Zumba, which I anticipated was cardio/dance. The Latin part didn't surprise me, the amount of shaking did. There are certain parts of me that I tend to avoid shaking in public. You know, the parts that keep shaking after the intentional movement stops. I dance at home all the time. I shake and turn and feel the beat as the boys dance along. It is quite another story to be asked to shake, well, anything with a row of strangers behind you. Before I know it, the instructor is shimmying and then expecting us to do this dance I have only seen on My Super Sweet Sixteen. I went to a school where dancing wasn't allowed. My hips aren't trained to move that way. The worst part was trying to get the coordination. Between the circle of the hips and the hands and the turning of the feet, I felt completely out of sync. I can shake my bon-bon, no doubt, but not when lunging, hopping and spinning on the side. The man behind me had just given up and was convulsing around to the beat and during the fastest paced song, I was ready to follow behind. Still, even with the cemented knowledge that I am not ready for the streets of Argentina, I left having sweat and not pulled a single one of my hip shaking muscles. A success indeed.

.

The Energy Crew class is what turned out to be the best of the day. Sitting on the seat, waiting for the class to begin, the girl to the right of me leaned over and asked if I urgged often. I looked at her and said, "What is urg?". Okay, so that's a no. Apparently it was the name of the machine I was on and it was her way of telling me that if I tried to use it at the current resistance, I would probably experience some sort of arm detachment. Basically, it is a machine that puts you through the same motion as you would if you were rowing those crew boats. I was excited to find that I had a knack for it and was able to keep pace but not without effort. By the end, I was fully expecting some sort of accolade or invitation to join the Chesapeake Rowing team. I was rocking that urg. I googled it...it's legit. Sadly, no one seemed to be as clear on my natural talent as I was. I even stayed behind to tell the instructor how much I enjoyed it and still, nothing. No "I think you would be great at it" or "Have you ever thought about professionally rowing?". Just a "Tuesdays at lunch". Well bleh to you to. Olympic Crew team here I come.

.

Everyone ended the day with Yoga, Pilates younger and much more enjoyable sibling. The upside...familiarity. The downside...I pretty much reeked. We are crammed in this room and I am just praying that I am the only one who can smell my feet. They just spent two hours sweating in shoes. By now everything hurts and the stretching is welcome. Corpse position with the lights turned off was a basic invitation to sleep. Fetal position did nothing for the fight. When the lights came on right after the "namaste", the entire class just sat there, no one quite able to move. SO much better than Pilates.

.

Walking in my shorts, in the freezing cold, back to my car, I did feel as though I accomplished something. Something I will be paying for for days to come. The consolation is that I happened to walk by the turbo kick class and I am pretty sure they will be paying more.

.

So, Energy Crew it is and when a little less...let's go with squishy...maybe some zumba as, clearly, willing yourself to be Shakira just isn't enough.

Fun at Work

So much fun to be had with a camera, text boxes, willing participants and an 8x10 frame. Guess how much "actual" work was done today...

Is God in Heaven?

Tonight Joshy asked me if God was in heaven, to which I responded yes. He then wanted to know if that meant He wasn't at God's house any more which took the conversation towards the idea of being everywhere. So, we detour around to God not needing a physical body like we do, a concept Joshy digested and then came to terms with. "God doesn't need a body but we need a body so that we can go poo poo." Yes, Joshy, I suppose we do.

My goal

I have set the goal for myself to run in the Red Bud Classic, which is a 5k race in April. In other words, I have 4 months to learn to run 3 miles. I have never run that distance and in fact, have only run in the last two years when facing death by oncoming traffic while crossing Western and when it was 20 degrees and I wasn't smart enough to bring a jacket with me to Target. I drone on about athleticism all the time but this is a tangible goal and while it feels mostly like a bad idea, it is something I have always wanted to do. Stand at that starting line and know I can make it to the end without the intermittent ambulance ride along the way. I will get back with you in April and let you know if I have become the master runner. Having just ate an ice cream cone and now sitting on the couch typing, there is a chance I may have overshot my capability. We shall see...

Water theft on aisle 9

Warning: The following is in no way a good reflection on my character or ability rationally handle a situation .

.

Walmart has established a new policy regarding the checking of receipts. This has always been the policy at Sam's but there you pay to enter. It is seemingly part of the exclusivity. Walmart is where you go to pick up a $0.99 toenail clipper, not pickles and Tylenol in bulk. Still, in light of the holiday season, I can see their desire to cut down on the stolen dvds and dirt vacs leaving the store. With this in mind, I haven't quarrelled when they wanted to check and see if I really did pay for that box of diapers or $5.00 board game. All that said, tonight I ran in to do grocery shopping, with Joshy in tow, at the end of what had been an extremely long day. Running through the aisles, we managed to fill up our cart in record speed. Waiting in the ginormous lines, while annoying, was hardly unexpected and with Joshy in good spirits, ultimately fine. Once checked out, we head to the door and are met by the official receipt checker. My non-bagged items were a package of Ozarka waters and a fridge pack of gingerale. First off, if I had stolen DVDs or whatever other electronic items they are intending to protect, the chance of me leaving it out on display instead of hidden in one of the multitude of bags seems slim. Second off, don't you think the policy is more for the person walking out the door with the bicycle in their cart instead of the hurried parent and their fridge pack? Regardless, I give her my receipt and she highlights the gingerale and begins to search down the receipt for the water. The seconds tick by as she keeps mumbling about how she can't find it. People are lining up behind me, Joshy is becoming ancy, and this lady is bent on saving Walmart, one package of Ozarka at a time. By now flustered, I scan over the receipt and not seeing it, just say fine and take the water from my cart and throw it to the side and head out the door. When I get to the car, I pull out the receipt and sure enough, there is the water. Only instead of Ozarka is says OZ. Top secret code indeed. Now entirely aggravated, I throw my groceries into the car, grab Joshy, throw him in the back of the cart and take off in a run back towards the store, anger pummelling logic and jumping in the driver's seat. I barrel through the door receipt in hand and walk towards where my waters still sit. Reaching out, I show the gentleman hovering over them my receipt where he looks and says, "Yeah, that is waters". Grabbing them I toss them in the cart and then proceed to say how clearly, after buying over $100 in groceries, on a whim I decided to steal the waters. $3.88. I'm sticking it to the man. I then rip the receipt out of his hand and rush back out as fast as I came, the little voice in my head screaming, "I can't believe I had to mess with this. They were on the receipt, you water nazi!!" As I finally sat down in the car and took a breath, it hit me. I am fairly certain that I just stormed in and out of a store making a complete scene, verbally attacking a 17 year old boy over a package of waters. If I hadn't gone from 0 to killer robot in 10 seconds, I could have looked over the receipt and shown her the line item. But, no. No, I was the angry lady yelling at the McDonald's attendant because she asked for no pickles. The furious executive telling the Exxon receptionist to let me talk to her manager. Classy. Even now, I am still winding down from the overdose of adrenaline and laugh, only imagining someone asking me what is wrong. The Walmart lady said she couldn't find the waters on my receipt!!! Right. Clearly logic would side with me.

So, what's that slow to anger thing again...

Snap

I woke up this morning to Joshy at the foot of the bed, stating that he had something to show us. First thought: either pulled his blinds off the window or spilled his juice on the floor. Rustling myself out of the covers, I was pleasantly surprised to see my proud little boy snapping his fingers. We had tried to teach him a couple months back but he just couldn't quite get it to make a sound. We, of course, made a big fuss over his accomplishment, promising that he could show his new found skill off to everyone who came over today. As the morning progressed and we all slowly got ourselves ready, Joshy wandered into the bathroom while I was in there. Still on a snapping high, he again showed off his skill. This time, however, he was having trouble making the sound and so, with confused eyes, I watch as my son sticks his snapping hand down the back of his pants and then pulls it out and snaps...successfully. I looked at him and said, "Joshua, did you just stick your hand in your butt so you could snap?" "Yes" "Have you been doing this every time you snap?" "Yes". Off to the sink he is lifted where his hands are scrubbed and the lesson learned that swiping our crack is not a snapping requirement. We dried off his hands and learned that, in fact, all you need are dry fingers. As we were sitting at the dinner table tonight and he was ready to show off his skill for Nana and Grandma, watching him wipe his fingers on his napkin instead of going anywhere near his pants made me thankful that some lessons do stick.