"There is no such thing as luck. There is only adequate or inadequate preparation to cope with a statistical universe" - Robert Heinlein

Today I had a lunch meeting with one of our bankers.  I was wearing a pair of black shoes with a thin heel whose pad had been lost to the uneven pavement across the street, where everyone who arrives later than 7:00 ends up parking.  When I walk across tile or pavement, you can hear it scratch like nails on a chalkboard if I fail to pick up my feet.  But that embarrassment aside, as we were walking to the banker's car, I managed to step my heel perfectly into a seam in the cement.  Now, those of us who wear thin heels have all had this happen before and it puts a little hiccup in your step, but you pull your foot free and you move on.  Not this time.  I pulled my foot and it didn't give, my forward momentum almost dropping me to the ground.  I stopped and pulled again.  No budging.  Finally I slip my foot out and gracefully reach down to tug it free.  Nope.  So now I am holding the shoe with both hands pulling as hard as I can, making mini-jumps in my attempt to free my shoe.  On one final jump, the shoe breaks free and Laura goes flying backwards, luckily catching herself before landing on the pavement.  Super classy.  Last night when taking off my sweater I tore a hole in it.  Last week I found a hole in a different sweater while wearing it...at work.  I popped a button off the back of my pants when getting into my car.  I regularly walk around with a tag hanging out or some sort of string.  I have broken the heel off two consecutive pairs of shoes within two months.  I have lost a sweater vest.  I have a bruise up my arm from where I hit myself with the string of a recurve bow while shooting an arrow at a target.  I took a huge bite out of a bran muffin I had thought was banana nut.  That one, karma, was below the belt.

All in all, the running joke at work is that if something bizarre is going to happen, it will most always happen to me.  If there is someone who is going to get trapped in the elevator for 15 minutes in the morning with a pregnant coworker prone to panic...all together now...it is me.  And yes, it was me. 

Glitter Mandate

Shouldn't there be some rule for online stores that mandates that all pants involving glitter clearly state so in the description?  Preferably in big bold letters?  If there was, then the shipment I received from The Limited today would have not involved me looking like a disco ball exploded below my waist.  Why, you ask?  Because I wouldn't have purchased the pants that said WARNING: DISCO BALLS WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS GARMENT.  Who wears silver glitter pants anyway?  Can you see me being taken seriously in a business meeting when only one thigh high pair of leather boots away from being picked up by Richard Gere?  So, now I have to go through the effort of returning the pants and finding some that don't make rainbows by reflecting the sun's rays.  All effort that could have been avoided by the glitter mandate. 

DWTS

I have recently developed a new addiction to add to the ranks of diet coke and music on iTunes.  Dancing with the Stars!  I really don't know how it happened but I remember a time when I didn't watch DWTS and then my next memory involves me watching the show and then re-watching all the dances on YouTube over and over...and over.  Here is where I should stop sharing and yet I continue on.  I will watch the videos and look only at the boy and then re-watch only the girl.  I look at their reactions during the judging and their interaction with their partner.  Then I look at past seasons to compare their reactions to their other partners.  I watch the backstage confessionals that weren't aired.  I even saved one of their twitter accounts as a favorite on Internet Explorer.  And I HATE twitter.  It is a problem and with the close of the season, the reality of the problem is quickly setting in.  No more new information, no additional dances to analyze again and again.  I so badly want to be on that show but as John politely informed me, I am missing the key ingredient...being a star.  So, now we have a new goal, friends and family.  I need to come up with a way to become a B level star so that I can get on that show.  I am open to ideas.  I wouldn't say that I have a stand out talent in any of the so called "performance" arts and I really don't care for attention or entertaining others, so that leaves scandal or reality tv.  Survivor is out because I don't wear scarfs as tube tops.  The Bachelor is out because John couldn't see the value in making it to the final round only to be found out as having a husband.  Something about all the making out.  That leaves The Amazing Race which seems doable but would require the effort of getting a passport, which seems like a hassle, and Big Brother, which I have never watched, but seems to runs some claustrophobic potential.  Wonder how leave of absences for Reality Television works.  Especially when only done to get on a show that would require a further leave of absence.  So what I need is a way to have the cameras come to me.  A documentary?  With all the cable channels, I'm sure there is some space for a series about a 30 year old girl who works a normal treasury job with two kids, a husband and an ill-advised idea of going back to school.  I mean, who wouldn't watch that?  We could start a campaign.  Make Laura famous by word of mouth.  Each person tells 10 people who in turn tell 10 people, ad infinitum.  I despise forwards but since I cannot vanquish the complete foolishness inherent in them, let's use it to my advantage.  Tell them some magic fairy will grant them their wish if they promise to unquestionably view me as a celebrity, not too famous but just famous enough.  If Paris Hilton can be famous without a skill, why can't I?  All it takes is people believing it to be so.  And getting arrested for cocaine...

In the meantime, here are some of my favorite dances of the season.  I can feel the void in my life already.

Happy Thanksgiving

It is hard to believe that Thanksgiving is here.  Or was here.  Only moments ago it was fall and now we are on the one month countdown for Christmas.  As time moves more quickly, it is easy to become numb to it and before you know it, the days grey together and become one running blur you can't quite get your hands around.  I know this because my blur just set me down one day after Thanksgiving.  We spend Thanksgiving proper at my mom's house.  Playing games, watching football and eating copious amounts of food.  I like when we spend the evening there because I have time to sit down and peck at the piano a bit.  Reading sheet music is not like riding a bike.  It is much more like reading Hebrew and after 8 years post Hebrew II, I am fairly certain I wouldn't be able to tell you the difference between "to make" and "to kill".  Although writing about it now makes me yearn to know it again.  There's something about knowing a language where you read right to left.  It is like you are part of a world completely opposite to your own.  A world where having 5 wives and hoards of children wasn't worthy of a series on TLC.  A world where there was no Thanksgiving or 8 to 5.  It was more like sun up to sun down.  Whenever I want to complain, I think of 14 hours tending herds.  Give me financial markets any day. 

Last week, Joshua's school put on a short program for the parents.  The thing I like about the school is that they mean business when it comes to programs like this.  A class gets up, sings their songs and then on to the next grade.  In and out in 15 minutes.  Done and done.  Joshua's kindergarten class dressed up as turkeys to perform their songs.  His face lit up when he saw his dad and me there in the audience.  Even though I knew it was important for us to be there, I still found myself surprised at how clearly the pride and excitement was written across his face.  John taped the performance and I use tape loosely as it was done with his phone.  Phones are crazy now.  I use mine to email and call.  But in fairness, I do use John's for Angry Birds.  So addictive...but SO fun.  You have to wonder who sat and thought, "OK, so there are these pigs and they steal some bird's eggs and then build structures of wood, glass, and stone and then the birds hurl themselves at it in anger".  I probably would have looked at them with a "riiiiigggght".  Then I would have proceeded to kick myself after missing that gravy train of an idea.  Simple, addictive and with more levels than one can dream.  A mobile home run.

Here is the aforementioned video of my son, the turkey, and his comrades in turkey fun. (He is the third from the right and, although you can't hear it well, is thankful for his toy motorcycle.)

I just heard my husband say...

"Ah...snap".  You know, I've never thought of myself as a lesbian but since it seems I am married to a 13 year old girl, I apparently am.  A cradle robbing lesbian.  Who'd of thought...

Down with AAC

I am so aggravated because I have just wasted an hour and a half of my life trying to find a way to get my iTunes music converted to mp3 files without having to pay for it.  I already paid for the songs the first time around, I see no need to pay $60 for a means to play them wherever I want.  I have downloaded nearly 7 different software trial versions thinking I would be sneaky and convert them all at once and then uninstall the program.  Well, clearly I am either not quite so sneaky or the programmers are not quite so stupid because yes, you can download them during the trial...and end up with 1582 one minute versions of your 1582 songs.  And of course they don't give you a heads up.  You know...just to drive home the lesson.  You can hear their chuckles with your first "what the...uggghhhhh".  So essentially there is now an entire market subset benefiting from iTunes monopoly over the portable media market.  It is ridiculous.  I am on the verge of readiness to pirate the software to illegally convert the protected music I ALREADY OWN.  The only thing stopping me is the certain virus that comes with the pirated license key that throws a thousand pop up screens while blaring "I AM WATCHING PORN".  My computer hasn't successfully updated from April 2009 until today.  This very day.  They have finally patched whatever it was that was blue screen of death-ing my machine.  The last thing I need is the red screen of "you should have known better than to download pirated software from illegal Russian sites".  Today's battle may have been lost but the war is not over.  And yes, while it will probably end with me paying $29.99 for someone to profit from my misfortune, their profit will only come as the last straw.  And let's just say that I've got a lot of straw. 

Following Jessica's Lead

In response to Jess's post number one, here are my 15 facts...

1.  I hate text language used in email.  In fact, I hate text language all together.  Is writing an "x" instead of "anks" really saving you all that much time?

2.  While on the topic of email, I hate forwards.  I don't want to be snowballed or kissed or blessed by some angel who proves how many people in my contact list are true friends. 

3.  My favorite feeling out of doors is to have the sun warm on my face but the wind cold against my skin. 

4.  I love handwritten notes.  In a world powered by technology, I refuse to lose the the history and magic captured in handwriting.

5.  I generally pick my restaurants by the desserts they offer.  Olive Garden wins a lot.  I adore the Black Tie Mousse Cake.

6.  When someone remembers something about me that is inconsequential, like my best friend when I was 10 or the way I eat my salad, it makes me feel more special than most anything else in the world.

7.  My favorite candy is Hot Tamales.

8.  I have a small addiction issue with Diet Coke.  And by small, read big. 

9.  I HATE taking showers.  More specifically washing my hair.  Every time I wash it, I feel depressed knowing that if I live to 100, I will have to wash and fix my hair 11,972 more times. 

10.  I love listening to the lyrics of songs, finding the little twists and play on words.  I feel like I found a little treasure.

11.  Sister Hazel is my favorite band, of all time, forever and eternity and the first time I saw them live, I cried.

12.  Every morning I wake up and am thankful that I married the sweetest nerd there ever was.  And no, nerd is not a mistype.  The guy has created a program on his computer named Catharine that says Hello to him in the morning.  It is a little creepy actually.

13.  I have gotten myself stuck behind a copier, wedged underneath a sofa, foot stuck in a car, fallen out of a golf cart, fallen out of a door way, fallen off a curb, walked into a pole, walked into a door frame with wet paint, etcetera, etcetera...  Gravity, randomly placed architecture and small spaces dislike me.   

14.  I am easily annoyed with planning things for large groups.  As soon as there is more than one reply to the email, I am done.  Just tell me where to be and I will be there.

15.  I would rather get a root canal than go to any event that involves mingling.

...and the first 15 shuffle songs that come up on my iPod when I select all music and shuffle (and a link to play it if it is one you like, too).

1.  Sunshine by Todd Snider

2.  Whiskey Lullaby by Brad Paisley and Allison Krauss

3.  Awakening by Switchfoot

4.  On a Night Like This by Dave Barnes

5.  I'm Finding it Hard to be a Gentleman by The White Stripes

6.  Shame by Sister Hazel

7.  You and Your Heart by Jack Johnson

8.  The Bird and The Worm by Owl City

9.  From the Inside by Linkin Park

10.  These Exiled Years by Flogging Molly

11.  Just to Get High by Nickleback

12.  If it's Love by Train

13.  About a Girl by Nirvana

14.  Pride and Joy by Stevie Ray Vaughn and Double Trouble

15.  Keep on Lovin' You by Steel Magnolia